The year that's changed me

Survival! It's at the core of every breathing life form. It is what we must do to make any positive impact on the world we live in.

As we age, we change opinion of just what that means, we grow accustom to what we know, what we have and how we do things. We get sedentary in our approach and we often lose sight of what makes us/ breaks us. We get comfortable in the world we create around ourselves and forget that at any moment, the rug can just be gone.

Sometimes, you see it happen slowly over time, others it just vanishes. Perhaps, sometimes a little of both, a slow decline and the BOOM!, gone in an instant.

Just about a year ago, my world came crashing down. Everything I had worked for, built up and dedicated myself to, all gone in an instant. I can honestly say that divorce is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Far worse than 14 years of child abuse, far worse than poverty, far worse than battles with political people, friends and far worse than anything I have ever gone through.

Some will ask why I say it's worse than the other things? Some might even think it's the best thing to happen to some people. The answer is simple, I could do nothing about the abuse, I can only do what I am skilled to do for money, I can walk away at any time from politics and friends change throughout a lifetime. But marriage, the commitment of your lifetime, your best friend and your partner in life, now that is something you have more control over than anything else.

No, not the other person, your spouse is in control of their own life. But you and I are in control of what we do, how we behave and respond and we are not generally stupid, we know on some level where things must change to make it work. You hear a little voice saying that something is wrong, work on it. Yet, being male and being me, and in some cases much like others, I ignored and put off far too long what should have been my 1st priority. Divorce is the price my wife and I pay for that failure to keep that relationship foremost in our minds.

It's never that simple though is it? There's the aftermath of separation, the court dealings, the lawyers, the lenders, the borrowers, the pets, the stuff, the lifetime of shattered dreams. Ohio being a "No Fault" state has come to mean that neither my spouse nor I get much of anything, no, the lawyers and the courts get most of it. I hear that some people have fairly easy and simple divorces, and they often have children involved. We had no children in our 12 years, but that didn't make anything easier. It's hell, and I don't recommend it to anyone.

It's been a tough year. I moved out of the "Manor" in May and we have both been struggling since to make ends meet and life get better. United you stand, divided ya fall. Faced with mounting legal costs, dual utilities, housing costs and trying to get it all together..it's a daily battle between what we can do and what we can't.

When you add in the emotional side, the agony is almost unbearable. Somehow, you get up, go through the motions and eventually you come to terms with how things are now. A year down the road and you might even feel like there's a small chance to regain your stability and that somehow, even through the darkness, you will come out alive. Bruised and battered, hollow for a time, but eventually, you begin to notice that life has not stopped and that you are going to have to get back into life.

If you're lucky, you have quality friends, a loving family and enough personal fortitude to get going. Sometimes, it takes a while before you want to, but sooner or later, life requires action. I have been blessed with great friends, people who care enough to stick with me even what I wasn't worth it. I have a family that loves me the best they know how and I have a wonderful set of co-workers that have held me up when all I could do was fall. Working has been the 1 thing that has kept me sane this year. It's not the best paying job, it's got fairly crappy hours, but the people there are just amazing!

A friend of mine has a saying that makes good sense to me, "Life is hard". No truer words ever spoken. God, my family and friends have held me up just enough so that I didn't sink forever. Now I hope and pray that I can somehow make it worth their while.

It's been a year of changes that have changed me. Somethings are better, somethings are worse, but in all things I am grateful even when I don't know it. I found something written by a friend of mine about me nearly 20 years ago. My friend Scott has been gone from this life for many years now, but his words seem to sum it up nicely even still.

"For me there is only the traveling on paths of heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse it's full length.

And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly."

So I thank my late and dearly missed friend Scott for reminding me all these years later that as long as I still have heart, I have all I need.

Chad

Life Changes and Challenges

It's been months since I have written on this blog. To be honest, I'm amazed it hasn't been deleted. So, in an effort to regain some momentum and drive, I am blogging again. There is a new theme though, not so much directed at Toledo Politics, not so much about any single subject. Now I will use this forum to take on many of life's challenges as there are many more than just the hacks of Toledo Politics. Life is full of turmoil for many of us here in the Glass City as well as the area and the world. So now, I will cover things like poverty, abuse, love, children, parents, family and friends.

I will delve into subjects like how working people cannot make ends meet and what they do to survive. I will talk about various aspects of my personal life challenges and of course, go after what I see as wrong in terms of Toledo Government and the world at large.

I will talk about the homeless, the hopeless, the inspired and the driven. I will work through many things in this blog as a means of getting other's opinions to see where we have things in common and where we differ.

Some of my ramblings will be of conversations that I've had throughout the day and how they have enlightened me or how they have brought questions to mind. I hope this will be an engaged forum where everyone feels free to express themselves and will take the time to help me understand how the world works and why I don't get it.

The journey starts now....................

Chad